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Being real

I don't do this often. But sometimes if I write, it's my release and then I can move forward. If I don't write, I get a type of writers block where it sticks with me and I can't move forward. So I'm going to be real for a bit. I'm going to write down my feelings and be vulnerable and trust for no one to judge, or feel sorry for me. I can't promise you won't cry, but I can promise this is me being honest and real. If you know me, you know I'm a very positive person. But if you know me really well, you have seen me break. You have seen me cry, say that I'm not strong all the time, and say I need a hug. I'm actually really thankful I do these things. If I didn't, I wouldn't be human. I'll start by saying this. And excuse my language. Seizures fucking suck. I have wanted to say that for a long time. It doesn't mean I'm not Christian, it's the truth. They will suck the life out of you. They are unpredictable. They are scary . They are the unknown. There is no cure to them . They suck. Never in a million years, did Derik or I ever imagine having to watch our little baby have seizures, over and over. As a patent, you are helpless. You have to just sit there and let them happen when they do. Zoie doesn't have them often, trust me, we are so thankful for that! But, when she does, they are long and ruthless on her tiny body. Zoie does so so well when she's not having them. For heavens sake, she is even sitting on her own! She is a rockstar. When she has a seizure, it pushes her back, she wants to sleep a lot, and we end up in the hospital half the time. Like I said, most of the time, Derik and I are so strong. Tonight, as Zoie was laying so peaceful on the hospital bed because of too many meds, we looked at each other and started crying. Not because we feel bad for us, we feel bad for Zoie. For one of the first times in our relationship I asked Derik if he was ever scared to loose Zoie to a seizure. I think we both are. I'm not ashamed to say that. It's always in the back of our mind, but we go about our life without talking about it. So, I asked him. We both said yes and cried. With that, I made the commitment to celebrate half birthdays for all of our kids from now on. People, a lot can change in one year! What family doesn't want to eat yummy cupcakes and sing happy birthday in between the real things? In a way, this made me feel better. I can't explain why, except that if something happens to any of our kids too soon, I would be happy to say we made sure they were celebrated. So, Zoie will be getting a little half birthday celebration in Nov ;) With all of that said, and now you're probably crying like I am, I had to be real. Just for a while. I'm always so dam strong, because my family needs me to be, because Zoie can tell when mommy is sad, and because Ivie smiles when I smile. I'm the molding to hold my family together <3 I'm thankful for that! But I do break! More than I admit. I broke today and haven't stopped crying. But, when I break, I remember I need to pray every single day for my girls. And I also know that Derik and I do our absolute best with Zoie and Ivie, and that's all we can do. The rest is up to God! I will never stop trying to cure Zoie of seizures. It's the one thing I wish I had more control of, we are working on the oil for her and I have high hopes for it, it's just a long process. Besides that, we pray and pray for them to stop because they suck, I am beyond blessed by my sweet girls and wonderful husband. But even when you're blessed you break. Zoie is home now. Tucked tightly under my arm. She is safe and content and I know if she could talk she would say how thankful she is for so many people who love her! I too am thankful!

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